Visage pictures from Best Week Ever

Picture: Johnny Weir Puts Best Forehead Necklace On for Wendy Williams

Picture: Finally, You Can Pee All Over Gene Simmons!

Picture: CAPTION THIS: Phylicia Rashaddy Workmanship

The Beautification Engine Really Works!

The NY Times brings us interesting word from the world of pretty folks: Scientists have finally invented a machine that can make your ugly ass look much more beautiful! Using specific algorithms for what people find attractive, The Beautification Engine takes a person's photo, puts it through some sort of old-timey ticker-tape-style-machine chock full of useless lights and air compressors, and minutes later, spit out a photo of that person looking... well.. attractive. To test out the effectiveness of the Beautification Engine, researchers submitted photos of Hollywood celebrities in an effort to see how much better looking they could get. And man, did their knife cut deep. Check out The Beautification of Michael Cera: How do you like your Michael Cera: Regular, Creamy, or Small-Nosed? I don't know about you, but I rarely to never trust someone with a tiny face, i.e. re-beautified Michael Cera. The first Michael Cera looks like he'll make you a killer mix CD (get it?), while the "beautified" version looks like the kind of guy who will eat your entire can of Blue Diamond Smoked Almonds while sitting in the bathtub in the dark. (Naked, no water.) But you think Michael Cera has it bad? Wait until you see what they did to Woody Allen... and me. Nothing. That's right: They did absolutely nothing to Woody Allen, save for changing the shape of his glasses and shaving off the slightest bit of his signature profile. I'm not gonna lie: The second picture turns me into a veritable Swoon Yi. So what qualifies as beauty these days, according to a heartless, brainless, and shallow robot engine? Why, everyone's favorite Stoned James Dean himself, James Franco: It's like looking at a Highlights for Potheads. What kind of beautification engine leaves neck moles on? A broken one, that's what. Curious, I decided to run my own visage through the engine, to see how many hundreds of marker lines my future plastic surgeon will be forced to etch all over my body. (Once this blogging mo

Published: 2008-10-14
Provider: Best Week Ever
Keywords: Entertainment

“Crushed”: The Not-So-Brief Story Of Where I’ve Been These Past Few Weeks

I try to make it a point not to share too much about my personal life here, but seeing as we spend most every day together, I felt that owed you, dear readers, at least some small explanation for my absence these past few weeks. It all started when I went to Los Angeles to spend my vacation - as I do every summer - camped outside of The Motherf*cking LaBeouf's mansion in a week-long round-the-clock candlelight vigil with the hope of catching a live glimpse of the world's greatest Mangod in his natural habitat. Due to the terrible desert heat, by the third day I'd already consumed my entire supply of Full Throttle Energy Drinks, and having replaced the contents of each spent can with my own urine, which was beginning to stink, I briefly abandoned my post and voyaged into some nearby tree-cover hoping to find a clean and more private place to relieve myself. As I made my way through the brush, I came to a small clearing in which I discovered something that would change the course of my life forever: hunched against the trunk of an old dying tree was the form of what appeared to be a large boy or small man, whose head was buried in his knees as he heaved and sobbed violently. "Are you...okay?" I asked, ever so gently. When he looked up, my heart nearly exploded out of my chest, for there I stood, face to face with the glorious tear-stained visage of Shia LaBeouf. However, my joy was quickly overtaken by confusion, as I marveled at the impossibility of The Beef, in the flesh, crying. This had to be some kind of trick being played on me by my senses, due possibly to the foolish combination of heat exhaustion and energy drinks. He stood up and quickly turned his face from me, shouting, "Don't look at me like this, please!" I moved to him and placed my hand on his should, gentle but firm, and whispered, "It's okay, Shia...I understand." See what happens next, after the jump! We spent the next several hours there in the clearing, Shia explaining the sorrow of his loneliness

Published: 2008-08-04
Provider: Best Week Ever
Keywords: Entertainment

I Hereby Declare A Boycott On Busted Tees

Dear Busted Tees, For too long now I have sat idly by while you've grown and profited from your ridiculous little ironic T-shirt enterprise. Even though I felt that your shirts' pseudo-clever puns and and easy movie references were simply a fashion-pandering way to shake a few bucks from the pockets of easily amused frat guys who don't live within driving distance of an Urban Outfitters, your scam seemed harmless enough. Today, however, with your reckless decision to include a t-shirt in your catalog that bears the visage of Shia Motherf*cking LaBeouf, with a reprehensible caption reading "Enough LaBeouf!", I am putting my foot down and drawing a line in the sand with a gauntlet. "Enough LaBeouf", you say? First of all, there can never be "enough LaBeouf" - he's like infinite matter in the universe. Secondly, how about a t-shirt that says "enough androgynous-looking hipster-sissies in ironic clothing standing in some twee field of dandelions looking all forlorn about nothing in particular"? I think we've had enough of that. You actually have the sand to insult a Master of Masculinity like The Beef on a t-shirt you've chosen to model on what looks like album artwork for some sh*tty college kid's Belle & Sebastian cover band? Do you have any idea what The Motherf*cking LaBeouf would do to the kids in that picture? He would utterly destroy that guy's face with the flick of his pinky finger, then take the woman as his own until he tired of her. That's what you're dealing with here, pals. I hereby call for an absolute boycott of all Busted Tees products until this offensive t-shirt has been completely removed from their catalog, and a personal apology has been issued - publicly - to The Beef, in writing, to His Beefness' and my own satisfaction. In the meantime, show your support for this action by leaving your signature in the comments and forwarding this post along to your other LaBeouf-loving friends. These t-shirt smartasses went too far this time. Sincerely, Alex B

Published: 2008-07-08
Provider: Best Week Ever
Keywords: Entertainment

Visage

Visage pictures from Best Week Ever

Johnny Weir Puts Best Forehead Necklace On for Wendy Williams

Finally, You Can Pee All Over Gene Simmons!

CAPTION THIS: Phylicia Rashaddy Workmanship

The Beautification Engine Really Works!

“Crushed”: The Not-So-Brief Story Of Where I’ve Been These Past Few Weeks

I Hereby Declare A Boycott On Busted Tees